i sat there in perfect (physical) stillness
trying to convince myself that i was meditating
but i was not
i was making a list of all the things that needed to be done
and all the things that needed to be fixed
and all the things that would make everything perfect

and every time i thought those thoughts
i forced myself back to the breath
and the om nama shivayaing
and the whole thing about letting the thoughts blow over like clouds

and then i’d think about that slice of pizza in the fridge
and i’d have to start the whole damn process over again

in the end, i think i got 20 seconds of silence out of those 15 minutes
20 seconds of static in the chaos
which, of course, prompted the thought “holy shit, i’m meditating”
sigh.

tomorrow, i’ll try again

dark captain